Breaking Up and Down
by author121
Summary: Chapter 1 : Sometimes things just fall apart. Without meaning. Without reason. Naru/Mai.


Deep down, she knew that someday she'd see him again. It could have been chalked up to her latent psychic abilities— her so called _intuition_…

But she had been certain, ever since the day that she left— _ran_— that she'd end up here.

They'd end up here.

"Naru." She whispered softly, unable to say anything else.

And he looked back at her with those unreadable eyes she had once been able to decipher as clearly as her own heart. Those blue eyes that had once softened when they gazed at her, that melted into the perfect summer sky from winter's ice.

"Mai." He replied, acknowledging her presence across from him on that cold autumn noon.

She can't interpret his tone or his voice. She's lost that ability just like she's lost his trust. It just hammers down the knowledge that she'd been a fool.

She'd always been such a fool.

XXXXXXXXXX

Mai sat down across from him, watching as Naru moved around the kitchen in a detached and methodical manner.

The cup in the drawer beside the refrigerator, the can of tea in the cupboard above it…

It was still the same.

"I would've thought you'd move out of this place." She mused, almost to herself.

"Why would I?" he asked offhandedly, placing the kettle on the stove and leaning back on the counter behind him. His dark stormy eyes bored into her, provoking.

Mai almost stiffened underneath its intense scrutiny but managed to force her shoulders to relax and her hands to unclench on her lap. "I didn't mean anything by it," She said quietly, wanting to avoid any added tension in their already strained interaction.

Naru narrowed his eyes at her for a moment before snorting, turning his back to her to ready the tea with sharp movements.

For a split second anger flamed in her chest from the obvious disrespect, hurt and regret merging into sharp relief.

But she didn't have the right to feel that way anymore.

Mai swallowed, her throat having gone dry as she tried to ignore the mounting hostility in the atmosphere. She wanted to talk, but not like this—

A cup of tea slammed down in front of her just as she moved to stand, causing her to jerk back to her seat. Her eyes trailed from the white knuckled grip, up a taut arm, and higher towards furious cobalt eyes.

"Sit down, Mai." He barked at her.

Mai was stunned by the amount of barely restrained ire in his cobalt eyes. Panic was crawling up her spine and coiling deep in her stomach, her nerves were singed by the amount of control it took to just be _still_.

She wished she could tell him.

_Sometimes things just fall apart. Without meaning. Without reason._

It had been her mantra when she found herself awake with regrets. It tasted too much like a lie but it had been a cold comfort.

And maybe… maybe she'd survived with the cold for so long she couldn't live without it.

"What was it, Mai? A game? Am I just the unwitting prize?" he asked, his voice sharp and caustic, words spilling through his lips like poisoned filth, unable to stop the cruel doubts that made themselves known after years of forced exile.

Mai's shoulders shook, her heart breaking – what's left of it that she left in his hands – at the obvious show of emotion.

She felt guilty all of a sudden. The Naru she'd known would never have said anything like that. He wouldn't have lowered himself by exhibiting such an uninhibited response. He would never have shown such blatant weakness in front of her.

"Answer me, Mai." He demanded, eyes arctic as he glared at her. "At the very least I deserved that after you humiliated—"

"I'm sorry." She whispered softly, the only thing she could say to placate his bruised pride if only for a moment. But this— this was the side of Naru she understood, the side that she dealt with on a day to day basis not so long ago. Naru the Narcissist, driven by pride… sometimes so blinded by it…

Mai shook those thoughts away. If only this – if she could tell him that nothing had been his fault _itwasallhersalwayshers _then maybe her heart could finally rest easy.

"…Explain." He said, tone back to its usual cold neutrality.

For a moment, there was silence.

Then, with a deep breath, Mai began.

XXXXXXXXXX

People always told her, when they learned of her relationship with Naru, that she should be careful lest he break her heart. They advised her to be wary; to be cautious.

It was ironic, how after everything, she had been the one to break his.

She hadn't planned it; hadn't meant for it to happen.

She had always tried to stall it— to stop.

Stop the inevitable decay of their relationship.

She had been young and simple minded and insecure. But she had _tried_. She fought tooth and nail and heart until all that was left was a bleeding husk and the echo of her desperate heart wrenching sobs in the winter night air.

Their relationship hadn't been easy. Anything involving Naru never was. Mai had been patient though; through the cold looks, sharp remarks, and belittling comments. She hadn't pushed when he erratically flipped from cutting to kind. She had stayed a constant companion, friend, and eventually confidant. Always ready with a smile, a cup of tea, and the occasional teasing barb.

Two years.

It took them two years for Naru to finally talk to her about Gene. They had dredged up all the memories they each had of him, sharing their sorrows over a lost brother and friend. She had been so happy that he had finally opened up to her. That after countless efforts and endless patience she could _finally_ see the side of Naru he typically tried to hide. She could see his pain, his sorrow, his guilt…

She could finally help him the way Gene had requested of her.

She had been surprised when the conversation turned to her confession years prior.

"_Me or Gene?" he asked, eyes boring into hers as if he could see the answer in them._

She could only laugh now, as she remembered her tears that day of her confession; the utter confusion that rendered her speechless.

"_You, of course!" She snapped back, her cheeks maddeningly red. "And don't you dare tell me otherwise! You may be a genius but only I know what I feel."_

And that was when he smiled at her.

It was a smile that had her heart stuttering in her chest with something that felt like hope.

A week later, he had asked her out.

Just when she thought she couldn't be happier.

XXXXXXXXXX

Having Naru as her boyfriend was different from what she'd imagined. Different from what most of them imagined, really.

Bou-san had pushed his opinion that Naru would be a horrible one. He said Naru would be the type who put work above everything and wouldn't let something as silly as relationships distract him from it.

Ayako agreed, and added that the dark haired genius would probably be adverse to affectionate displays and probably wouldn't bother to even put a modicum of effort in being romantic.

John had sheepishly smiled and told her that Naru would be difficult and that she should have patience.

Masako glared and huffed.

Lin, meanwhile, had surprised everyone by adding his two cents worth: that Naru wasn't the type to change his mind once he's made it and that if he had decided on Mai then it would follow that the teenager would do everything in his power to make her happy.

He had been right.

Naru wasn't a demonstrative person by any means. He didn't hold hands, throw his arm over her shoulder as they walked, or even attempt a hug or a kiss in public. Instead, he made up for it by walking her home after work, wrapping his muffler or his jacket around her when it was cold, quietly sitting beside her and correcting her work as she struggled through assignments, and even buying her books she'd always wanted but could never afford due to her tight budget.

Naru wasn't perfect by any means. He was sometimes cold and distant, placed cases before dates, and didn't put particular importance in anniversaries.

But that was Naru being Naru and she had been happy.

It had been perfect.

XXXXXXXXXX

Eventually, Naru's parents came to visit; wanting to see what held their son in such fascination in Japan and also desiring to meet with the girl they had heard so much about.

Naru had been equally sullen and, though he'd be hard pressed to admit, embarrassed.

Mai had seen it though, and she could only do her best to help placate his parents with her warm nature and delicious tea.

Naru's father had been astonished by her abilities and had even questioned her on some of the experiences she had during cases while his mother had endlessly grilled her about her new relationship with her son.

Mai had handled it all with an easy grace that she'd grown into after years of investigating the paranormal. It hadn't been hard. She loved his parents.

She glowed under their praise and shyly demurred when they enthusiastically offered her an opportunity to return with them to England to further develop her abilities under SPR as well as obtain better education.

Mai watched the speculative gleam in Naru's eyes grow and tried in vain to push down the rising dread that choked her into silence. But she couldn't. Not for herself.

For Naru, she would have done anything.

Now that she looked back on it— that had been the beginning of the end.

XXXXXXXXXX

There had been a distance growing between them; deep and cavernous and as silent as the grave.

And for everyone's speculation as to why, they couldn't understand it. For the most part, they decided to blame Naru.

It had been her fault though.

She hadn't realized— hadn't _noticed_— how she had pulled away from him. Slowly but surely, Mai had withdrawn.

She wished she could excuse it as a possession or maybe even temporary insanity. God knows it's happened enough to be a normal occurrence.

She couldn't explain it, wouldn't be able to even if she tried.

All she could say is that there had been a doubt that crawled its way through her heart and festered in her thoughts. A dark, gnawing creature that polluted everything she touched and felt and believed. All of a sudden, she second guessed everything.

She realized all of a sudden – surrounded by light and laughter in the office where she found her new family – that she couldn't _breathe_.

XXXXXXXXXX

It was funny how easily people disregarded her past.

They knew she was an orphan, that she had lived alone all this time relying only on herself…

But they don't know what that _meant_.

They don't know what it meant to not only be alone but to be _lonely_ at the same time.

Not even Naru, even if he had lost his twin brother, understood it completely.

Mai had been alone.

She woke up to an empty apartment day after day for years. She felt what it was like to have the warmth leeched from your body by cold unfeeling silence and happiness transform into nothing but an ephemeral dream. She had felt what it was like to live with only a soul rending solitude coalesced around her,

She experienced what it was like to _exist_ without living.

They didn't realize how easy it was to be brave when you had no other choice.

Part of Mai thought that the makeshift family she obtained in SPR would be enough to ease the ache that carved itself into her bones. She thought that falling in love with Naru would stop the gaping hole dwelling in her chest.

For a long while, she thought it was finally over; it would finally be _okay_.

But it wasn't.

She thought that by fixing Naru she'd also fix herself.

But it didn't.

XXXXXXXXXX

On odd days, when she felt so guilty that she felt drowned in it, she wondered if she was broken. How could she not? No one in their right mind _wouldn't_ be happy if they were in her position. She should be happy. She should.

She felt so selfish; such a failure.

Sometimes she wished someone would just stand and point it out. Mai wasn't happy. Mai was upset. Mai was _drowning_.

But they didn't. No one did.

No one saw and even… even if they did no one would understand.

And Mai couldn't open her mouth to speak of it because it didn't make sense.

She had everything she wanted, didn't she?

Why then? Why was so close to losing it? Why was she so empty?

Why couldn't she be happy?

What was _wrong_?

There were no answers.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Why didn't you talk to me?"

Mai smiled wistfully, her eyes trained on her loosely curled hands around the cup of tea in front of her. "I asked myself that same question," She started, her voice sad, "and the answer to that is that I tried."

Naru, now seated across from her, remained silent.

"But every time I gathered enough courage to say something I ended up talking myself out of it." She continued, tracing the rim of her cup with a finger.

"You didn't trust me." He stated brusquely.

Mai shook her head. "It wasn't a matter of trust, I think."

"What was it then?" Naru asked, a dark brow arching.

Mai was silent.

The dark haired teen gave a sigh.

Mai looked up at him, eyes bright with an emotion he couldn't name. "I think I honestly just didn't want to bother you."

Naru tensed.

"It seemed silly to do so when I couldn't even word the problem properly myself." Mai gave a weak grin. "You'd probably have called me an idiot for wasting your time and then asked me for tea. Besides, I figured that if I was the only one feeling bothered then it was my problem to deal with." She finished, raising her cup for a small sip, stilling when she realized it was her favourite flavour.

Naru stared at her for a moment before looking away, ignoring her show of surprise. "I noticed."

Mai blinked, putting her drink down. She felt caught off guard even if she knew it was just a small thing— "Sorry?"

Naru threw her a baleful look. "You were different those last few weeks." He clarified, his gaze turning distant as if remembering. "I disregarded it, of course. I did tell you once that you were the type to immediately bounce back from depression." He gave a one shoulder shrug. "I thought that this was just taking longer than usual."

Mai was rendered speechless.

"You were patient with me." He uttered quietly. "I thought that this time I would do the same."

Her heart clenched at the sincerity in the statement. All of a sudden, she wanted to weep; because once again she was lost.

"I didn't realize we'd run out of time."

Well, that was a nicer way of putting it, she thought. Running away, cutting off all contact, and leaving just a note—

And then, just when Mai thought she couldn't get any more shocked, he asked her: "Were you happy, Mai?"

_With me— even just a bit._

Mai smiled shakily, feeling breathless and weak and agonized. "Yes." She answered immediately. There could be no other answer.

"Mai—"

Maybe it was instinct urging her— but she stood up in a rush, throwing her messenger bag over one shoulder. "I— I have to go, Naru."

She had to leave.

Naru stood as well, never taking his unflinching gaze off of her as she moved towards the door of the apartment. "Mai."

Mai closed her eyes tightly, her hand already gripping the doorknob. She stood frozen, on the edge of flight with only Naru's voice grounding her relentlessly.

Why had she thought this would be _easy_?

There was a pause.

"Come back to SPR."

Her hand on the door slackened and fell uselessly at her side.

"_What?"_

XXXXXXXXXX

I have no idea where this is going. O_O I was intending this to be a one-shot but then it grew and grew and now I have no idea what it wants (which I guess happens when you type it at 3 in the morning) =))))) So, yeah. It's just Naru gets portrayed as the one with all the issues (and rightly so). But sometimes we forget that Mai, at some points, has it waaaaaay worse. So, yeah. I guess this is me trying to show that? _ Ah well. We'll see how it goes?

REVIEW~ 3


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